Stay in New York, Spider-Man!

It’s hard to wake up. Often enough when my alarm clock goes off, I slap the ol’ snooze button and retreat back to dreamland. This doesn’t always work, though, especially when you have a full time job. Apparently not showing up to work on time is some sort of ‘party foul’, which is what your bros call it. But your boss might just call it a ‘fire-able offense’.

I remember it was especially hard to wake up when I was a kid. My sweet mom, who has the patience of a saint, would wake us up by singing a song, which always softened the blow. But still the task of getting out of bed and ready for the day always seemed to prove difficult. So my heart goes out to children who have to wake up early for school.

It gets better, kids. It gets better.

Every day my brothers and I would drag ourselves out of bed (sometimes we were dragged) to go to school. Every day we would drearily complain that the sun wasn’t up. Why should we even be awake? Every day this happened, except Saturday.

On Saturday we would (without alarms or prompting from parents) wake up bright and early. No problems. Forget about it. What made such a difference? Saturday morning cartoons. And on Saturdays instead of being dragged out of bed, we would run through the house like wild children, dive into bowls of excessively sugary cereal, and watch cartoon after cartoon after cartoon.

My personal favorites were Batman and Spider-Man. I liked Spider-Man so much that I wanted to be a photographer for a time, just like Peter Parker (Spidey’s true identity), though that dream was soon dashed by my inability to take a clear picture. See below.

Now that I think about Spider-Man, though, I feel sorry for him. Here’s why: Spider-Man is essentially useless outside of New York City. Just think about it. If a terrible monster is attacking any other city, Spider-Man will not be invited.

Captain America: Looks like there’s a big monster destroying all the corn in Kansas.

Iron Man: No worries. I’ll stop him, but I may need some help.

Spider-Man: Let me lend a helping hand. I don’t really have anything going on right now.

Iron Man: I mean, that’s cool. I was going to bring the Hulk…

Spider-Man: Cool, bro! Let’s go.

Iron Man: (Sighs)

Above poor Iron Man is bothered severely by Spider-Man’s intrusion. Usually he’d just say, “No, you can’t come.” But he knows Spider-Man is sensitive to this sort of talk, and will be deeply offended by any rejection. Although, if the Avengers ever need a photographer who lives in the New York area, they know who to call. Or, more likely, if there is ever a job they don’t really want to do, they can just send Spidey.

Thor: Behold! Loki’s minions are ascending upon the Canadian countryside. Alas I cannot go, for my heart beckons me to listen to sad music and braid my own hair. Captain America, it’s up to you to defeat Loki’s hordes.

Captain America: Forget it. I’m not going to Canada.

Iron Man: My passport just expired. What about you, Hawkeye?

Hawkeye: My bow is in the shop for repairs, otherwise I would totally go. Ant man, why don’t you –? Ant man?

Hulk: Hulk accidentally step on ant.

Captain America: Dang it, Hulk. That’s the third new recruit you’ve squashed this month.

Iron Man: Well, if no one wants to go, I’ll just call Spidey. He’ll do it.

This is why Spider-Man should stay in New York. He belongs there. He would be useless in Canada. He wouldn’t make it in Kansas. Even if he went to a larger city, say Austin, Texas, he would still prove fairly useless. I think his abilities, specifically his ability to web-sling from building to building, limits any operations outside Manhattan, which is why Spider-Man should stay in NYC. He belongs there. Of course (and this may blow your mind) he is fictional and doesn’t really exist. So now I’m at the end of this piece, questioning it in its entirety.


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